Captive beneath an ominous cloud known as the web.
In the vast sea of cyber trends, it’s easy to become distracted by get-rich-quick scams, phony royal inheritances, glamorous product hype, celebrity gossip and endless streams of “News” from everybody everywhere. With so many glitzy pages promising riches, commercials pushing some berry for instant weight loss, new magic creams for effortless wrinkle removal, new drinks to attract our dream partner, magic pills to enhance the…package for that previously mentioned dream partner, it’s easy to get lost in the buzz of it all. I find my internet browsing routine has become tedious and at times rather humiliating. I am captive beneath the ominous cloud known as the web.
I can’t quit scrolling. I can not do it.
Somewhere between tiny alert banners announcing “One easy trick that doctors do not want you to know about!” and the latest “Top 10 Worst Celebrity Bikini Photos” I get some satisfaction, evidently. Amidst all the chaos and hype, I click on like a steadfast soldier, totally committed to my daily Internet usage. Without reason, I MUST repeatedly check the social media updates of friends, shamelessly compare my best selfies to those of my nemesis, who doesn’t know she exists as such, and I can’t forget to click around in my data dashboards with no real purpose, daily. In addition, I must scroll through enhanced photos of the “it-girl” of the week, watch videos of Baby’s Laughing, take a quick peek at the politically slanted headlines and reset a password or two along the way. Now, if it wasn’t hard enough to stay focused on the wholesome things in life, it seems that the internet can now read my mind. The Internet has officially climbed into my mind and actively monitors my thoughts, with my permission, in order to sell me exactly what I am looking for, via BIG BANNERS. HUH?
Yes, the internet (or Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook, or Google or Apple, or WHOEVER ) is now reading my mind better than any psychic alive. The ads that are selling embarrassing subject matter, like toe fungus fixer and medical marijuana candy canes are aimed right at me. These ads turn my face bright red every day.It’ss comical and sad because I know why I am seeing ads about curing garlic breath and worse.
The internet knows the real me.
The internet sells me what I have searched for at some point, but it seems like it’s only when my hot boyfriend is peeking over my shoulder as I try to type “everything.com” that my browser fills in the space with “everybodypoops.com”. Omg.REALLY? That is when I begin fumbling with explanations like ” Everybodypoops.com was a site I referred to when my kid was potty training!” Thanks a lot, technology! Now I can never escape my embarrassing moments. I swear the pop up ads about buying more friends on social media sites- those are a fluke. I never BOUGHT friends. I just researched the idea. A few times. I hope nobody sees my inquiry that says “How to hide the smell of a fart”. Oh, and the blinky photo of pot brownies that keeps showing up in little box and banner ads started appearing in my feed after a tipsy web search one night, in 2003.
I am human, and yes, my searches get a little out of hand. I hope that the internet will overlook the time I searched for ways to smuggle candy into a theater … because I repeat… I am HUMAN. I am terrible at keeping my browsing history polite. I think all these naughty things, and I am forced to relive every single weak moment that has occurred, going back to the day the internet was invented. I go through all this, usually before I even eat breakfast. Then as I quickly finish a forgettable meal I point the focus to the to-do list of the day, just before I procrastinate some more.
I just realized something wonderful.
It will be easy for me to reveal all of the dirty truths to you. It will be easy to confess and ponder here, simply because I am cloaked behind a fabulous curtain of anonymity. For that I thank you WordPress. You can’t see me, therefore, I don’t care if you judge me. Ha!
So yes you probably know me and no I will never tell you who I really am, because you would not like me anymore if I was wearing my other, more boring mask. The girl who follows rules and doesn’t stir trouble up … SHE wears the other mask and she wouldn’t dare say offensive things like I will.
Thus begins the saga.
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